Don't Half-Ass Mischief Night, kids

A certain level of sophistication is necessary to enjoy a holiday as multi-layered and nuanced as Halloween. There’s the basic backbone to Halloween, the idea of the undead and the supernatural, ghouls and whatnot, which easily transitions into the portrayal of psychotic and crazy humans, in some ways more scary than the supernatural if only because a serial killer could very well be the person you just nodded to as you walked past on the street.  Then there are the sluts and the cartoons, funny or scary is normally the best way to go, always with a hint of sex. Of course the most important factor is mischief, trick or treats, yes, and Halloween and rapscallianry go hand in hand. From what I see here, though, kids on the west coast didn’t get the memo.

MISCHIEF NIGHT IS THE NIGHT BEFORE HALLOWEEN, YOU SCURVY BASTARDS.

People toilet papered the trees in my hood and an egg even got launched at my wife as she gave a couple kids candies. These bastards out here must have no respect to have done such a thing on the 31^st.

When I was in High School, we spent 10/30 driving around, egging houses, putting shaving cream in the mailboxes, toilet papering trees, playing mailbox baseball, sure, why not, just some healthy trouble. Halloween night was for partying, for letting the families do their thing. So here are the mischief night rules for you L.A. punks to learn:

1. Keep to the wealthy neighborhoods; no reason to prey on the poor schlubs just trying to get by. If you have to be jerks, do it to people who can afford to hire a cleaning service.

2. No physical assault. Not that I saw any of that, but it's mischief night, not rape and beating night. That's part of a completely different holiday.

3. No egging little kids or families trick-or-treating. Let the bastards have their fun before they grow up and realize how dirty of a world this is.

4. No explosives. Ever seen BUTTERFLY EFFECT? That's what happens when you play pranks with explosives, your arms get blown off. If you insist on breaking things, use a baseball bat like a good old-fashioned American.

5. Mischief night is the 30th. Halloween is the 31st. 2 separate days. Stretches the fun out and leaves the street clear for innocent bystanders who might just be looking to enjoy a healthy, All-American Halloween night.

So please, next year kids, do it right – tear apart the neighborhood on Sunday the 30^th. Leave Halloween night for celebrating the way Halloween is supposed to be celebrated – with parades, trick-or-treaters, and sexy parties.