L.A. Illiterations: HIKING by Ryan Ariano

People accuse Angelenos of being fake but that’s not true, at least not anymore fake than any other grouping of fastmoving, highly-energetic, overstretched, overworked, and at times predatory people in the world. In fact, out here it’s a well-established fact that there’s a culture of doublespeak, “Yes” meaning at the same time “Yes”, “No”, and even “Maybe”, so the bonus is at least you know you need to take everything you hear with a grain of salt. Sure you can’t take anybody for face value but seriously, what idiot wears their value on their face in the first place? You’d never survive in such a fierce environment. It quickly becomes about understanding the language here, run it through some internal bullshit algorithm, and you’ll quickly find people here are just as real as mom and pop back in Nebraska.

Today’s word is HIKING:

In most places, hiking means walking through a heavily wooded, natural environment as transcendentalist revelations float through the air and a person decompresses from the rigors of societal living. These hikes are a vigorous physical activity, several hours spent off the grid during which time contact with other people is minimal.

In Los Angeles, “hiking” is a term for walking on any trail that is not paved, regardless of how short or urban.

For most people in the LA scene, their favorite “hike” is Runyon Canyon, a couple-mile loop in the Hollywood hills. This dirt path starts in a WeHo sidestreet, curves through terraces of Hollywood mansions, and climbs to an Imperial view of the endless sprawl that is L.A. You can see clear to the ocean, it’s beautiful, it works up a good sweat, sure, but it’s not a hike. It is a great place to pick up women (if you have a dog) or to look for celebrities trying to work up a small to medium sweat while reminding themselves how far their domain reaches. On the weekends this place is about as crowded as the backdoor to a Justin Bieber concert and almost as annoying .

All that aside, the simple fact remains that this is a dirt trail that winds up a hill in the middle of a city. It should take you no more than 30 minutes and if you wear a backpack or ask somebody about the trailhead you’re taking yourself way too seriously. My mother-in-law, who hadn’t stepped foot in a gym since the Reagan years, did just fine at Runyon. This is a walk. This is not a hike. At least not outside Los Angeles.

But if crowds, B-list celebs, and dirt trails ringed by multi-million dollar mansions are your thing, then you might as well call this your "favorite hike" too and make it part of your weekly routine. At least it's outdoors.